And all this time I've had a little secret. A blessing that only a few knew about. A lil' bean in the belly that started it's life in June and now is 13 weeks old and about the size of a lime :) I broke the silence this week and shared with the world our good news, and without giving every detail of our journey at this point, I felt compelled to to use this post as a reminder that God does still do miracles. Whether you've ever experienced the heartache of longing for a child yet traveling down the long road of patiently waiting and many times being shoved in the face and kicked in the heart every single month with disappointment, or have suffered loss or just any heartache of any kind...I want to give testimony to God's grace, his favor, and His peace that does pass all understanding. This means we may never understand...but we can always have peace.
After many years of trying, hoping, believing and praying I am overwhelmed by the goodness the Lord rained down on me and the way He protected my heart and preserved my spirit through it all. I never once felt discouraged. Disappointed, yes...very. But I believed He was the giver of my desire to be a mother and that someway, somehow...He would fulfill that desire...and He did. After so many months and years of doing my part and planning things out as perfectly as possible...without any success...I can only think that this was a miracle. Big or small...believe what you want to believe...I am choosing to let this answered prayer, this miracle if you will, permeate my heart and build my faith for the even "greater things that are yet to come".
About 8 months ago on a Sunday morning I was making brownies before church to take to a picnic and had music playing in the background. An old, yet familiar song filled the room and made it's way into my heart that morning. It's a song by Michael W. Smith...I'm not even sure what it's called, but the line that gripped me was "and every act of love will set you free". Wow...how true. No matter what hardship, pain, or discouragement we may be fighting...the way to break free from it's death grip is to LOVE. Love other people, serve other people, search for ways to ACT in LOVE, cause it ultimately keeps us from looking inward and keeps us looking upward. Tears just started pouring down my face as I realized how much He loved me, and how good He had been and would continue to be to me. At times unanswered prayers can cause us to build walls between ourselves and the Father, and ourselves and other people...but LOVE will literally be the footstool that will give you the boost to scale the wall and ultimately find yourself on the other side...where His plan is made perfect. Not our plan, but his.
I don't have intentions of sharing every journal entry I am writing to my child, but this first one written in August I will...may it be encouragement, and literally oxygen to the soul of anyone that needs to believe just one more time, or have faith, even that of a mustard seed restored.
August 2, 2011
Wow, I can hardly believe this is the first time I've really taken to journal since finding out you were mine...that you were growing inside of me, that my heart's desire and cry to the Lord was made a reality through you...my firstborn child. You are a miracle. You are a gift from God, like every child is, but you are long awaited...and just as Hannah in the bible cried out and prayed for her son Samuel, I have cried out for you. You are 8 weeks and 2 days old today.
At 6 weeks and 3 days I had an early ultrasound and it was the first glimpse i got of you. Your daddy was there too...and while he didn't say much I know his heart was overjoyed. He texted all of your uncles...that's when I knew he was so excited. I saw the flutter of your tiny heartbeat. To be honest, even now it's almost hard to believe you are growing inside me, cause at this point there isn't any real physical indicator...but my heart is already bonding to yours...that's how I know you are really here. That's how I know you are our Kairos child. Auntie Holly gave this word the night I called to tell her that you were on your way. They had been talking about this term in a class they were taking. Kairos means "the long awaited epic". This truly was a Kairos conception and I believe you are a Kairos child! You have been given to us to love and care for...but you are the Lord's...and ever since looking at that positive pregnancy test, especially after looking at so many negative ones...I've given you back to the Lord. You are mine here on earth, but you are HIS to do things of epic proportion in your lifetime.
I already feel so privileged to be your mom...I am weak, I am not perfect, I have made many mistakes, even since you've been conceived...but one thing that is PERFECT is my love for you. I love you so much already. You are my miracle...and truly a gfit that the Lord sent from heaven...because while after many test, medicines, diet changes, doctors appointments, blood work and the list could go on and on...the "odds" were against us the month you were conceived. It wasn't a month where i had been able to "arrange" all the right factors in effort to make you a reality...but isn't that just like our GOD? He truly receives all the glory. It was Him making what seemed impossible a reality...because we know NOTHING is impossible with Him.
Twins have been spoken many times over the last few years, but at this point we suspect that there is only one...but if you end up being 2, my children, instead of just my child...my love is in double portions. We are grateful for the healthy life that is growing inside me. Chief (my dad) gave 2 words years ago in preparation for you. The words were FRAGRANCE & AROMA...you have already filled my life, my heart with a beautiful fragrance of joy. I know your life will be a fragrant offering, it will be so sweet, it will "smell" so different to every person you meet, engage with, and even walk by. I know that the Lord is going to continue to reveal things to me about your life and these words of Kairos, fragrance and aroma in the following 7 months.
I love you so much. I am so grateful to be your mother. I can't wait to meet you.
Hugs & Kisses,
"You have granted me life and favor, and your providence has preserved my spirit." Job 10:12